Anil Fisher, continued
The Good Life!
The lucky ones were killed in the war.
After the war, if you did happen to have a nest egg of Confederate currency, Yankees said it was worthless and so you had no way to pay your mortgage. Insurance companies which held policies on slaves wouldn't even pay for runaway slaves you had caught, a mainstay of our white trash economy.
White trash soldiers came home and borrowed money for seeds and fertilizer, just as they had every year before the war. Only this time, the Yankee banks charged interest rates of 80% per year. Soon enough, we went from independent landowners to the intolerable life of sharecroppers, who had to actually work in the fields.
Slaves Lost Their Slavery, While We're Talking Money and Property!
By 1900, 97% of our forests had been cut down and dragged north for building factories, whorehouses, meat packing plants and railroad beds. It was easy when the land was repossessed for pennies on the dollar.
What's worse, Yankee goon squads would routinely ransack our shacks for anything of value. Granpa Oral Fisher had to bury our family's porcelain chamber pot out back with all our crockery, and lead our mule to the swamp with young daughters Cora and Crevess, about 15 at the time.
Up until as late as the mid 1950's, railroad companies had discriminatory freight rates. Goods made in the South cost nearly twice as much to ship north as goods traveling south. And no, it is not uphill all the way though it looks that way on a map.
For nearly a century, arrogant Yankees kicked us Southern brethren after we surrendered, until our guts spilled out, sure this would make us see the error of our ways. But it didn't. It only hardened our white trash resolve, as a defiant gesture, to be completely lazy, inbred, bigoted and ignorant.
The point is: there are archived banking records, insurance records and railroad records which could, in a class action suit, reap tremendous financial rewards if rednecks were to unite! That is why I started this organization.
Do the Math!
Let's suppose that your great-great-great granddaddy had a ten acre farm that he lost due to Yankee usury. In today's dollars, that farm and what it could have produced over 130 years would be valued at $15,000,000. Then you add in the pain and suffering of all his descendants, say $25,000.000. Finally, there needs to be punitive damages against the Yankees, and this would probably be somewhere around $78,000,000. Divide that between all of the 1.491 direct descendants of g-g-g-granddaddy, minus 30% legal fees, and you get $55,399.06! Imagine what this could bring in if you invested in the lottery!
Now, the descendants of slaves are demanding reparations too. We support their cause, as long as we can get reparations as well! You could qualify to be a member of our class action lawsuit.
Step One: Take this test to see if you qualify as a redneck by scoring 70% or more. Print and save your test score.
Step Two: Build a complete family tree at one of the web sites devoted to this, such as geneology.com. Be sure to trace all your white trash ancestors who owned property.
Step Three: Collect up all the documentation your family possesses relating to property, evictions, repossessions, bank accounts, Confederate money or an other pertinent records between 1860 and 1960. Make copies and be prepared to submit them as soon as we have located an attorney who will work on contingency. Check our web site often.
Step Four: Buy a set of Dr. Bukk Fake Teef to wear when the trial begins. |
Hiney-Gateway, continued
What Can You Expect When You Give Money to Morons?
The so-called "white trash" culture is steeped in fierce independence and defiance of authority. Although they see nothing wrong in living a double life, i.e. being dependent on government handouts, while also engaging in all manner of illegal enterprises, such as manufacturing moonshine, marijuana or methamphetamines. They universally disparage anybody who relies on organizations to further their cause. White trash don't organize.
N.A.A.W.T.
As the founder of the National Association for the Advancement of White Trash (NAAWT) in 1996, I've yet to attract much interest in my organization because of this debilitating nonchalance.
It is hard to fathom how these people can be so ignorant in today's world. They hardly even realize that they stand out as the most poorly educated, disease-ridden minority in America. They are easy to spot in a crowd: just look for rotten teeth, recessed chins and ringworm. Usually, adult women are extremely fat and like to wear colorful sweat suits, while children are delinquent little runts with dirty faces. Adult males are skinny with sewn-on names on their greasy shirts. Because of this inability to make the correct choices in their lives, I am challenging RedneckReparations.org to rethink their reparation distribution plans.
I Can Distribute Reparation Funds More Wisely
There is no doubt in my mind that my organization should handle all proceeds from any reparations awards. We will allocated the funds far more wisely for the betterment of our brethren.
Once my organization is fully vested, I will call on the captains of industry to do their part for the advancement of our peoples. Of course, there will be expenses like limousines, helicopters, offices and private jets to project the proper image of power. By using the threat of organized boycott and labor unrest we will bring the Yankee to his knees and collect money every time we pass "go".
Don't Waste This Opportunity!
If reparations are paid directly to descendants of the wronged parties, you can expect that the entire proceeds would be squandered on run-down mobile homes, metal detectors, Beanie Babies, Bradford Exchange, Dale Earnhardt memorabilia, above ground pools, illegal drugs, Mad Dog wine, cubic zirconium, spandex clothing, cars on concrete blocks and lottery tickets... all inside of three months.
Mine is a much more sensible and ultimately far more rewarding method than direct payments to descendants as espoused by RedneckReparations.org. As a fully vested professor who has devoted my life to the study of white trash, I'll make informed decisions on improving the "human capital' of the white trash race. Although my accounting techniques will remain private, I assure you that mine will be a transparent organization with nothing to hide. Please support the NAAWT plan.
Send donations to:
N.A.A.W.T.
c/o Professor Thor Hiney-Gateway
Department of White Trash Studies
Hayseed Agricultural Jr. College
Hepzibah, Georgia 30866 |
