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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, 'I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments  and wine.'

The Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ' What's all the screaming about in there?' he yells. 'You're scaring my customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet,' slurs the drunk, 'and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts '

The bartender opens the stall door, looks in, and says, 'You idiot!  You're sitting on the mop bucket!'

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,'Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Just a Tap on the Shoulder

Fred the Cowboy

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex"!
(You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

Bubba applied for an engineering position in the southern United States.
    A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
    The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thanks for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
    Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job?  We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
    The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."
    Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
    The manager said: "Bubba, it's like this. On question No. 4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

    All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.  It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.  On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
    So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!  Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
    Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.  "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
    Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

The Church Organist

Morning Fender Bender

This morning, I rear-ended a car at a stop light.

The driver was a dwarf. He said, "I am not happy"... 

To which I replied, "Okay, then which one are you?"

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

 "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
 
And he replied:  "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
 
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
 
And he began:  "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and quite dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three whole days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
 
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
 
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.."
 
He took a quick breath and continued:  "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

One leaned over and said, " Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.

The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." 

The squared away Marine guard snaps  to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The  President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authenticTexan Razorback Hogs.

I  got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John  Kerry."

The squared away  Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade,  sir."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,  expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

"There's no charge," he says.

 "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

 "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
 
 "So I just switched the heads. "

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.... 

 Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced  up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized  that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She said smiling, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. "What's your business role at the convention?
 
"Lecture," she responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use information  that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some to the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said,  "and what kinds of myths are there?
 
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"  she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even  know your name."
 
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must all possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

Bubba and  Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by  and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't got a ladder."

The woman took a wrench (just happened to have one!) from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six  inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed.  "Ain't that just  like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the  length!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.  Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was probably just another false alarm and stayed put in his bed.  He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.  In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

   Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."
    Bubba Wayne says,"Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Denton, sell 'em to all our friends and make us a fortune.
    "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."
    They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"
    The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Texas, ain'cha?"
    "Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?"
    "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.  One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.  The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.  After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

 "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom,  "We haven't even swept together!"

(Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around..)

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors... After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall...

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story... After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another
room...

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard... "What's the matter with you...?   the older doctor demanded...  "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren--and you told her she was pregnant...?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"Does she still have the hiccups...?"

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,

"It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he called out. There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road.

The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.  The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.  The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.  "You old fart, you lied.  There's no money in that account."

"I know", admitted the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around  The house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching  her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off .

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had better check it out. He pulled the bus to the side of the road and walked to the back of the bus.

There he found a little baldheaded old man crawling around on his hands and knees. The driver asked, "What the hell are you doing down there?"

The baldheaded man looked up and said, "I lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I had it twice, but mine is parted on the side."

 "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel  like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
 
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
 
"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
 
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.
 
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."
 
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
 
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30." 
 
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
 
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and
I ran for the bathroom.

But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.................

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.  The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.  The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
 
 After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Linda . .. Linda . ..."
 
"Is that you, Tom?"
 
 "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
 
"What's it like?"
 
 "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
 
"Oh, Tom you surely must be in heaven."
 
 "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new  clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"  She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

  After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
     The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
     The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
     While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
     On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
     On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
     When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
     She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
     The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.  They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. 
     Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
     Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
     Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home......including the curtain rods.

An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.

The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"

    A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
    During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
    "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "It's a bottle  of wine. I got it for my husband."
    The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

---

Blonde Joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

---

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
Entering, he was amazed to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President,I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a golden urinal..
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

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For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?" Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" ABBA--"Denture Queen" Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores--"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends" Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising" Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Texas Midget A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?" The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." The Talking Dog This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar." Southern Professional Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?   4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer? Porn Shop Joke This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!" Three Texans Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in Jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what he did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch! and again nothing happens. They figure that the Law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires." WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN? The University of Mississippi's "Dept. of Southern Studies" has announced the results of a ten year inquiry into the relationship of birthdays to personality traits. OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibilit RELATIVITY Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr.Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead." A RESTROOM CONVERSATION Leaving Tallahassee, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the restroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall......... "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say: "Not bad............" Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Dothan.........." Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!" A Smart Little Boy Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says, "Catch some chickens." The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says, "It's a pussy willow." The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat." Some Pun For You 1. Bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count hat votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen! In France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those! Who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. When you've nothing else to think about...PONDERABLES How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location of The Dirt Bag. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Either way, somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions: Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor -- A girlfriend Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle" Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but Bass -- The things you run around in softball Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" Tempo -- Good choice for a used car A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses Cut Time -- Parole Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year Clef -- What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Dori-toes" Minor Third -- Your approximate grade at the completion of formal schooling Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo Trill -- What's usually found on Blueberry Hill A Trailer Park Valentine: (or a redneck valentine, courtesy of Netlaughter.com): Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin' in the breeze Softer than Blue's without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfyin' as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as snuff right out of the can. You have some of yore teeth for which I am proud. I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a Mississippi junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete, ain't nothin' I lack. Yore complexion is perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me "n" you's like a moon pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger, "That's impressive", I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, all suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste or odor, more useful than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor! Yipppeee...Yee ha! Happy Valentine's Day, ya'll! A Modern Day Prayer Armani Which Art in Neiman's Hallowed be thy shoes Thy Prada come Thy shopping done On Rodeo As it is in Paris Give us this day, our Visa Gold And forgive us our balance As we forgive those who charge us interest Lead us not into Penney's And deliver us from Sears For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace For Dolce and Gabbana Amex Alternate Meanings The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: * Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. * Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. * Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. * Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent * Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. * Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nighte. * Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. * Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. * Bustard (n.), a very rude Metro bus driver. * Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. * Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. * Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. * Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. * Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. * Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. * Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor. * Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. * Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. * Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Subject: Logic Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?" "I sure do," answered Bubba. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," Bubba responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, Bubba shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't ya?" You Might Be A Redneck If... (2002 Edition) 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. 7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. 9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 11. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 24. You have a rag for a gas cap. 25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. 26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 28. You can spit without opening your mouth. 29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. 32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler. 36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. 40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" 42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. A Lonely Man and His Pet A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and  shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a drink with me" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!" Saloon Pun A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff. Not PC - Hillbilly Divorce A hillbilly walked into an attorney's  office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything? Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce." Investment Advice If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be  worth $49.  If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you  would have $79.  My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. The Top 14 Chapters in "NASCAR for Dummies" 14. Chapter 1: How to Read 13. Chapter 6: Dress for Success: Tube Tops and Skynyrd Tour Shirts 12. Chapter 4: Advanced Technical Terms -- "Yeeeehaww!", "Whoooodoggie!" and "Golldurn!" 11. Chapter 12: Why Drunk Chicks Flash the Drivers, and How to Nail Them 10. Chapter 17: "I Watch It for the Allegorical Portrayal of Post-Modern Tropism" and Other Things to Tell Fancy-Pants Urbanites 9. Chapter 5: Saying "Dick Trickle" Without Snickering 8. Appendix A: 20 Quick Prayers for Those Upside-Down Moments 7. Chapter 2: The Finer Points of Hating Jeff Gordon 6. Chapter 13: Where to Find Them Little Fake "Calvin" Kids Peeing On Stuff 5. Chapter 8: I Tell You Whut! 4. Chapter 9: Going the Distance: Peeing Into an Empty Big Gulp Cup at 200+ mph 3. Chapter 15: Spit or Swallow? Learning to Chew Tobacco Through Sexual Metaphors 2. Chapter 3: Hey, Isn't Dale a Girl's Name? and the Number 1 Chapter in "NASCAR for Dummies"... 1. Chapter 7: The Mullet: The Haircut of the Gods is a Practical AND Fashionable Hairstyle for the Discerning Automotive Enthusiast The Top 12 Shark Attack Prevention Strategies 12. Using a felt marker, write "Best Before July 2001" on your thigh. 11. Wear a really skimpy Speedo -- no one wants to see that, not even a shark. 10. Be sensitive to the shark's needs. Sometimes, like you and me, they just need to be held. 9. Your startlingly realistic impression of an injured seal? Leave it in the car, dude. 8. Always go into the water with the kid who pulls off his scabs. 7. Wait at least thirty minutes to go swimming after eating a bucket of chum. 6. Only swim on days Miss Cleo says it's safe. 5. Don't let your children into the water until the sharks have filled themselves up on the neighbor's kids first. 4. Always swim with a slower, juicier buddy. 3. When swimming, always bring along a bottle of Zima. Just like humans, sharks hate Zima. 2. Avoid heavy use of "Zesty Cajun Flavor" sun block. and the Number 1 Shark Attack Prevention Strategy... 1. Cover yourself with pictures of Anne Heche, because not even a shark would go near that crazy-ass chick. Names An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? "Ten boys." "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I calls him by his last name." Two Sisters Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to come and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Since the brunette only has $1 left, she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, "She'll read it very slow." Gandhi Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... what? "A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." Golf An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the Club Pro. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her Golf Pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a  bee," was her reply. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too wide" The Fatal Arrangement: Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided t